Happy Sunday! I am reluctant to post this week, because my weight is up. I keep putting a moderate amount of pressure on myself to be an exquisite specimen of weight loss success, to do what I say I’m gonna do, and to lose weight each and every week until I reach my goal. Seeing the scale uptick this week made me consider being silent, just not posting. But I am here on Sunday, July 12 to come clean and be an example of a real life weight loss journey instead of a perfect weight loss journey — one that includes struggle along with success. If you’ve read any of my previous posts, it’s no surprise to you that I identify as a sugar addict. Well, I’d been avoiding sugar for about 6 weeks and felt a dramatic decrease in the urge to eat sugar, and felt pretty peaceful.
Until.
I mentioned already that the night of our moving day, that our kind new neighbors left us home baked cookies on our stoop to welcome us. And that I ate 4 of them. It was an unplanned indulgence, and one I could easily get over. But then I had another slip up when the same neighbors gave us home baked peanut butter and jelly bars. (Did I mention that our 19 year old neighbor is home from college, idle for the summer and works in a bakery? Girl has mad skills and time, a deadly combination!) I gave one to Graham and then let them sit there untouched by me for 2 days. Then I gave in to a sudden urge and ate a bunch of those things before throwing the rest down the garbage disposal. (I hope she doesn’t read this. ????) Since then, my brain has been off track. Making excuses for grabbing bites of sugar: the leftover bites from Graham’s PB&J sandwiches here, vitamin C gummies there. This culminated in me having my first sugar binge in months on Friday: I was at Trader Joe’s stocking up on sriracha tofu when I passed by the baked goods and decided to buy oatmeal cookies with white chocolate and cranberries, AND bite-sized sea salt brownies. I couldn’t decide which one sounded yummier, so why not buy both? I had a moderated binge as I drove home, eating maybe 6 of the cookies and 6 or 8 of the teeny brownies. At first they tasted fabulous and I savored them. After a couple, they started to be less enchanting, and by the time I started to feel sick, they no longer tasted anything like the first few delectable bites. I stopped at another shopping center a few blocks from home just to throw the rest away in a garbage can. (This is actually a small victory, as my previous pattern would’ve been to save the rest in my car to eat later!) Then I ate a full dinner (chicken kabob over salad with half a big flatbread) despite not having an inkling of hunger. My stomach felt bloated and horrible thereafter, and my heart rate was way higher than usual as I processed all the sugar and food. It was a reminder of how crappy I feel when I eat crappy.
Yesterday I paid the price. I was in the most foul mood I’ve been in for months. Grumpy for no reason. Graham could do no right, poor kid. I just wanted to lie in bed and binge watch TV. In retrospect, I see that was the lingering effect of sugar (aka CRAP) on my body and brain. It affected my physical sense of energy yesterday and even my mood. I still ate bites of peanut butter & jelly and vitamin gummies yesterday, again, despite the downward spiral. This is what an addict does, right? Keeps going back to the substance of abuse despite clear negative consequences.
So, this is real life, and I went off my protocol and ate sugar over the past few weeks as I was experiencing more stress and grief than usual, between my move into a new home and my Dad’s unexpected death. It’s not a surprise that my brain wanted my old companion sugar to numb those feelings. I am not surprised and I am not ashamed. I refuse to beat myself up for eating food. I do want to leave behind my current physical lethargy and emotional disappointment and get back to no-sugar-no-flour, which always makes my body and mind feel so. Much. Better. Hopefully by this time next week I will be able to report a return to my chosen food protocol, and maybe the scale will bless me with a downtick again. Though my goal to reach 135 pounds by early November might no longer be realistic, I WILL get there eventually. And I hope you’ll keep joining me as I work toward it, even when I am not perfect. ❤️ I may not be perfect, but I will always be honest!
Project 135 stats:
Starting weight: 159.6
Week 1: 157.2
Week 2: 155.6
Week 3: 155.4
Week 4: 153.8
Week 5: 151.0
Week 6: 152.8
Week 7: ? (Dad’s death)
Week 8: 150.8
Week 9: 152.6
Total weight loss: 7 pounds (4.4%)